I Hate That I Love What I Do

I’ve spent a solid one third of my life being told by friends/family/society, that the only way to get on with things is to know what I want to DO.  I strongly believe the whole conversation and the questions and answers surrounding it should be geared to whom do we want to BE, but that’s a whole separate blog post.

After many years of confusion and sadness, really high highs and really low lows, life coaches and self help books, cries to sleep and binge eating, I finally discovered a passion that I wanted to develop into a career.  Teaching yoga.  Yayy!! I figured it out!! (for now)  Well that was pretty exciting until I realized that the hard work and the stress and the uncertainty doesn’t magically disappear.  It doesn’t even become easier.  It becomes harder . . .WTF?

Apparently, becoming more invested in something changes things.  Now, I actually care.  Not just enough to do really well, but I care way beyond that, beyond what is required of solid performance because I’m now invested in myself.  Even though I barely know what I’m doing, even though I’m confused as much of the time as I’m sure, something continues to propel me forward.  Of all the interests I’ve tried to develop and all the jobs I’ve had, this is the only one where the idea of quitting doesn’t provide a sense of relief.  When I’m nervous as hell or shit does NOT go well, bailing on teaching yoga still isn’t on the table.  I used to quit a job like the drop of a hat and never look back.  Not so anymore.  

So.  This, I’ve discovered, is what it truly feels like to be on the right track, to feel wholly committed to something you believe in.  This, I’ve discovered, is what it truly feels like to always be behind, to always want to be better than I am, to have no choice but to continue moving forward past doubt and failure.

Over the past year and half, I have heightened and sustained a “butterflies-in-stomach” nervousness from the very first class I taught my friends at a neighborhood coffee shop to the audition at a studio on the Upper East Side I just attended today.  I have never so consistently pushed my envelope. One of the many valuable lessons my life coach taught me several years ago was to do something at least once a week that made me uncomfortable.  Well, I’m blowing that lesson through the roof.  That doesn’t mean things go well every time.  

My audition today was extremely challenging.  It was actually my first one.  I had no idea what to expect, I was made to feel incredibly small for a variety of reasons (unintentional on their parts), and what they were asking of me was clearly reflective of a studio looking for another instructor rather than a teacher.  But the whole experience is forcing me to evaluate myself, forcing me to define what I’m doing, what I have to offer, and why I’m doing any of it.  Aren’t those all the yoga questions anyway?? No matter where we are in life, whether we practice the physical aspects of yoga or not, regardless of where we live in the world or how old we are, aren’t we all always asking ourselves those very basic questions?  And if we’re not, shouldn’t we be?  

So maybe I shouldn’t save it for another blog post, maybe this IS the blog post.

Who do we want to be?  Why?


keep practicing . . .